The dish-washing king

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Posted at 11:30AM, 25 September 2009 by Stuart Walton - Food and wine writer

You know how there's always that moment at the end of a long and beautiful dinner, where you think: 'All that would make things perfect now is if we didn't have to think about the washing-up'? So nobody does it, and for the rest of the evening, you tiptoe through the kitchen in darkness, imagining that if only you don't actually see the bombsite, maybe - like the Loch Ness Monster - it won't really be there.

That's because you didn't invite me. In what other respects I might be a dream date, I blush to say, but a willingness to do the washing-up has to be up there. That's right, all you Nigels and Nigellas. A man who doesn't mind doing the washing-up.

I don't know why I don't mind washing up, but it goes back a long way. It's partly because there is nothing more utterly crushing to the soul than waking up in the morning (perhaps a little hung-over) to find it's still there. So there's a practical reason. And then I think there's a let's-go-back-to-your-childhood element to it too. It was the only household chore that my mum regularly made me do (when naturally I resented it bitterly), and so it still appears to me as the only aspect of housework that looks like it can't be put off.

The first law of washing-up is that it is never as onerous as it looks

The first law of washing-up is that it is never as onerous as it looks. What may seem tottering mountains of stuff that will need hours of thankless scrubbing can be whistled through in barely 15 minutes, in my experience. Unless you leave it overnight, during which time it turns malevolently into tottering mountains of stuff that now needs hours of thankless scrubbing.

The second law of washing-up, especially when it's just you, is that it frees the mind to dwell on higher things. Ironing is rumoured to have this magical property, but it doesn't, because it requires too much concentration, so I don't do that. Some of my best ideas for articles and even books over the years have come to me while washing up. The idea for this piece came to me while I was washing up.

Washing-up has its own ordering of priorities, which makes the task all the more satisfying as you get through it. The delicate part of the operation (glasses) should be done first while the water is cleanest, before building up to the plates and cups, with the stickiest pans and oven-dishes left for the final heavy-duty assault. It's a lot like army manoeuvres really. Sort of.

I wouldn't have a dishwasher for all the tea in Tesco. People who have them tell me they're much less labour-intensive than they used to be, but I still don't fancy all the loading and unloading, or the water and energy bills, that go with them. They've even taken away the satisfying sense of architectonic achievement there is in managing to pile up a whole day's worth of washing-up on one small draining board. Nor could I share my home with a dish-washing robot.

Sometimes I hear things subsiding on the draining board later on while I'm watching TV, but it's OK. It's the sound of nature taking its course. And it's also the sign that tomorrow will have a clean, fresh, happy start. By the way, if you do invite me, I charge. But how can you put a price on happiness?

Comments

lulu@olivemagazine

25 September, 3:05PM
lulu@olivemagazine

I'm with you, love a bit of washing up AT the party. Besides, all the interesting people end up in the kitchen. I also hate unloading the dishwasher, but that is where delegation comes into a relationship. Small children are also keen but the breakage rate does go up!

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Caity

25 September, 3:16PM
Caity

You sound perfect - can I marry you lol!!

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miniminx

26 September, 12:23AM
miniminx

i still haven't forgiven my mum for making me do the washing up EVERY time the family were invited to friends' for tea - the INSTANT the pudding was finished!! so out of sheer rebellion now the washing up stays there till the morning; when my partner gives up before me and does (leaving me the grotty casserole dish though).

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Mark

26 September, 2:01PM
Mark

Hi I'm Mark, and I too like to wash up. It allows me to sleep at ease knowing that I can wake up and prepare food in the morning without needing to pack away first! My better half thinks otherwise though, but I'd rather wash up everytime than do it in the morning. I also score quite a few brownie points around Christmas!!

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RioRita

27 September, 7:48PM
RioRita

I hate washing up, as far as I'm concerned the best thing ever invented was the dishwasher. It also uses less water than washing up by hand which is an added bonus.

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drainingboardsue

28 September, 11:48AM
drainingboardsue

I have a large sycamore draining board over hung with a wooden plate rack (my own design). I can wash up drain/dry and clear my kitchen in less time that it takes to stack a dishwasher. How can you wash and drain large pans on a modern draining board? They won't go in a dishwasher. Cookers/ranges seem to be getting larger and drainers smaller. Please explain.

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drusilla

28 September, 12:17PM
drusilla

Stuart - what are your rates per hour? ;-) And are you booked for Christmas!

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Vic

28 September, 4:17PM
Vic

Wash up / load the dishwasher in the evening every time, it's just too hideous to face first thing in the morning. And at other's houses it is entirely fine to leave without touching a dishcloth, so long as they do the same at mine.

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StormyRaincloud

29 September, 4:44PM
StormyRaincloud

Kitchen not big enough for a dishwasher, so the kids do the washing up! Hey I cook for them, the least they can do is wash up the mess of my culinary skills :)

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Nanatigtig

5 October, 8:48AM
Nanatigtig

how on earth can a dishwasher use less water? what nonsence!

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